Day With Damien- Day 08

“Gumby”
July 27, 2000

Written by: Damien LaVey
It’s Saturday night, July 15th. Me and a few friends decide to go titty bar hopping. Included in the crew are the infamous Tom Stud, Miraslov, Steve, Xerxes, and myself. Totally wasted, the last bar we ended up at was at some fucking stink pit on Beach Blvd in the Garden Grove/Stanton area. (No, it wasn’t TJs Theatre, that place is cool. It was one that was south of it. I can’t remember the name.) The place fucking sucked. Warm beer, ugly chicks and no air conditioning. Needless to say, we didn’t last more than one beer. It was time to call it a night, so we headed out the door.

Just as we were ready to take our drunken asses home, I run into an old friend of mine from high school nicknamed “Gumby” hangin’ with a mutual friend of ours named Malone. Those two were just about to go in to the skank hole as we were leaving. We told them how bad it was inside and how they should change plans. Agreeing, Malone went on to tell us how he just had a surprise birthday party at his place for his girlfriends best friend the night before. They bought way too much alcohol and still had a ton of grub left over. He invited us over to do some damage to his leftovers. We obviously accepted.

Gumby, being the total classic partier that he is, is just pounding beers at an amazing pace. The Jagermeister, Tequila, and Jack Daniels were just fucking flowing. Considering that there were only 8 of us, including Malones girlfriend, Jennifer, we were having a blast. Along with the beer and the shots, Gumby was smoking mass amounts of some really killer chronic. This was the “two hit or quit” kind of weed that hit harder than hash. Dude is taking bong rip after rip. His tolerance is nothing short of incredible. What’s really cool about this guy though, is the fact that he IS human. He can’t keep doing this all night. He always tries to but ends up failing miserably. Hence the name Gumby. He gets so fucked up that he comes completely worthless. It’s great. The more wasted he becomes, the funnier he gets. Every slurred sentence he speaks takes about a week to spit out, it never makes any sense and always cracks us up. Shit, half of the time at this stage we can barely understand what he says anyway. This guy rules!

It’s about 3am. I’m fucking hammered and I need to take a leak. As I walk towards the bathroom, I see Gumby FINALLY passed out on the floor of Malones bedroom. I make fun of him, call him some names, kick him a few times and he doesn’t flinch. If I couldn’t hear the guy snoring, I’d swear he was dead. The fun was about to begin.

Have you ever tried that gag where you stick a passed out persons hand in some warm water? It works. I went to the kitchen and found a pot to put some warm water in, filled it, and took it back into the bedroom. I took his right hand and stuck it in the water for about 5-10 minutes. I told everyone else what was happening. By the time we all got in the bedroom, he just started to piss his pants. Fucking classic! He had to go bad too. It was rad watching this wet spot just grow uncontrollably in his pants for about 30 seconds. Fucking piss went everywhere. We weren’t done yet though. Miraslov grabbed some left over chocolate cake from the night before and stuck it in Gumby’s mouth. He then held his nose and his chin and was trying to make him “chew” it. All it did was mix in with all of the spit in his mouth and run all over the side of his face. By the time Miraslov stopped, it looked like someone just crapped all over his mouth and his left cheek. We were laughing our asses off. Gumby had absolutely no clue what we were doing to him.

Next thing you know, Steve grabs some shaving cream from Malones bathroom and writes “Fuckin” on his left leg and “Loser” on his right. Jennifer then cruises back into the bathroom and grabs an almost new can of Aqua Net “extra super hold” hairspray. Gumby has straight, dark brown, shoulder-length hair and he has been laying on his back the whole time. Jennifer then spreads his hair out evenly onto the floor and uses the entire can of hairspray on his head. She then hands over a fresh stick of lipstick to Malone. He went nuts with it writing all kinds of shit all over his face and his arms. Gumby is now officially a complete disaster.

Malone is cracking up with the rest of us, but realizes that he doesn’t want to be anywhere near Gumby when he wakes up. This isn’t the first time we pulled something like this on him and he seems to get a little more “pissed off” every time we do it to him.

It’s time to call a cab and get our man of the hour back home. It arrives at a little after 5. We drag him off of the floor. Jennifers brilliant use of hairspray worked beautifully. As we were walking him towards the cab, covered in piss, cake, shaving cream and listick, his hair looked like a sideways mohawk. You know how a regular one stands straight up and goes from the front of your head to the back? Gumby was now sporting a bitchin’ one going from the left side of his head to the right. By now, there is no way that Gumby could have looked any cooler. The cab driver almost shit. At first, he wouldn’t let Gumby in because of the mess he was gonna make all over the back seat. After a few minutes we convinced him that he’d be fine as long as Xerxes went with him, held him upright, and wouldn’t let him fall over to spread his mess any further. The dude was down. Luckily for us, Gumby didn’t live too far away. Xerxes carried Gumby into his apartment and dumped him on his living room floor. He didn’t want to stick around to see a sober Gumby either, so he held the cab and took it home.

Gumby called Malone the next day and had no idea what happened to him or even how he got home. So Malone told him. Gumby swears that he’ll get even with all of us. He always says that. None of us are afraid. By next week he’ll forget everything that happened to him anyway, so who cares? I give him a couple of months until it happens again. I’m looking forward to it too. You gotta love this guy. Gumby, living entertainment at the absolute finest