Day With Damien- Day 14

“Deep Shit and a Corona Bottle”
September 4, 2001

Written by: Stoney Stoned
It was supposed to be a all male bonding, beer drinking, going away party for a nailbiting fuckbucket named Raymond, at least that’s what I told the old lady anyway. It was Damiens idea, Raymond was getting married and we were throwing a bachelor party for his multi-diaper changing welfare livin’ ass. Too many people for Damiens house, so we held it at his friends Mike and Eriks house.

Me and my man Dano partook in some extra curricular activities with the wacko tobacco prior to this fucknut Raymonds “celebration of enslavement” to make it somewhat worthwhile.

The very fuckin money grubbing, high self esteem ladies of the night were supposed to show at 10, so we showed up at about 9 or so. Me, Dano and Damiens entourage partook, drank, and hawked down some Jager shots, a sandwich big enough for days was chomped on, and some of that wonderful sativa was burned. By this time, trying to keep up with Damien and brood had almost made me want to call it a night. That’s when the show began……..

One blonde biggin and a tall hard workin brunett walked through the door and asked for Damien. The bitches, Damien and a bouncer walked into a bedroom with a bunch of cash and talked some business. Ten minutes later, the broads walked the long hallway into the showroom for the night, also known as their peanut butter and dogshit smelling living room.

Right off the bat, those cunts stripped that monkeyfuck Raymond down to his scooby doos. Made him look like a little boy once again with his little smokey attempting a peek at the love pies. That’s when it came down to audience participation time. Next thing I know, Damien’s holding up a couple bills and I’m being thrown to the ground by the blonde-Pamela-Anderson-gone-trailer park broad. All I hear is Danos and Damiens sick laughs as I’m being engulfed by some wipped cream infested love pie that would soon be hosing down the pathetic excuse for a lady named Raymond that will be ball and chained tomorrow.

After my turn was over, I THOUGHT I wiped all of the whipped cream from my drooling bearded clam eating happy mouth, but it was Raymonds turn now. Both of the gals were on top of him, trying to sell him some quality seafood, so I decided to purchase it for him. All 3 of them were right on front of me. It was the best 20 bucks I ever spent! I still had a grip of cash in my hand pumping up and down in the air as I was hootin and hollerin for Raymond to stick his tongue up the blonde bitches fudge tunnel. All of a sudden, I was abruptly nudged in the ribs by Dano. Dano looked in somewhat of discomfort as he nudged me for the second and third time before I paid attention. Poor Dano, he wasn’t watching the cheap entertainers, for he was looking right at my old lady who looked like she was the antichrist herself. She didn’t look like the happiest camper selling girl scout cookies either. This was really bad.

All she asked for was the house key.

The shit just hit the grass and I’m a mess.

I gave her the house key, apparently, she had lost hers. She quickly left. This is when the romantic guy that I am thought I’d ask her what was wrong. She replied by putting the car in drive and seeing how far I could jump. Needless to say, I ended up back inside with Damien and Dano greeting me with a shot shouting out “good times!”. I was in the hole deep enough that a tractor couldn’t dig me out of that shit pile. That’s when Damien was laughing and asked me if I just went to 31 flavors because there was still a dab of dried whipped cream on my 8 chin hairs. He told me not to worry about it, she’ll come back, because they always do, to just get more fucked up with him and have a good time. He said the best part was yet to come anyways. All I could think about was how I sympathized will Bill Clinton. So I hit a little bit of the green fungi rope, (but I didn’t inhale) grabbed another brew and took my seat for the second show. This was the beginning of a fucked up night for more than just me.

I just drained my 6th Corona between shows trying to forget about my old lady when Raymond sat in the chair. The hired housewives were talking to Damien in one of the bedrooms for awhile. Damien finally came out alone, grinning, and then the fat blonde biggin willingly wobbled down the long hallway naked like a handicapped jaybird and asked for a empty beer bottle. So I eagerly gave her the one I just downed. She handed it to Damien and he went to the kitchen and filled it with water. I had no idea what was going on, all I heard was this was Raging Waters and were gonna need our bathing suits.

She spread her creamy thighs, drained the water filled Corona bottle into her slippery slit, arched her back, and then began to spit the water from her birth hole all over Raymond. He was still sucking on the lolipop that the heffer stuck in her snatch while she blew all of that warm summers eve H20 all over him, making him look like a slippery butternut.

While all of this is happening, the other hired whore walks out with a huge double dildo, waiting for trailer park Pam to finish her solo outing. They start working each other like a bad oil change, with a few lugnuts missing, while draining all of us of every single dollar we’ve ever owned. They were down with everything until Damiens new roommate, Captain Hammer, began to take advantage of the double sided dong and abusing it while they were fucking each other. He grabbed it and was fucking both of them at once, not leaving the johnson alone and calling both of them hairy bangkok tuna whores the whole time. The bouncer finally got sick of the Hammer and so did the girls. They were going to party with us after they were done, but they changed their minds and left. Dano was irate because he was scoring with the hard working (by this time, I mean HARD WORKING) blonde and Damien was too with the brunette, but both of them lasted as long as Dennis Rodman with the Lakers.

They took our money, left us us broke, blue balled, and me, busted!!! I spent the next 3 weeks at Danos house until I shit nosed my way back into the household. I’m still paying for it to this day, my girlfriend never wants me to chill with Damien again, but I’d do it all over in a second, like Robert Downey doing some coke, but next time, I won’t tell her where I’m at. AND NEXT TIME, I’LL USE A NAPKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!