Erik and Mike

Day With Damien- Day 05

“Erik and Mike”
March 6, 2000

Written by: Damien LaVey
It’s a Saturday night in February and it’s cold as fuck. Me and about 5 friends head down to my friend Mike’s house. (not to be confused with my roommate). Mike had already got his taxes back, paid off all his bills, and was now out of debt. So he decided to have a party to celebrate it. There are probably about 50 people there and even though I knew he’d have a lot of alcohol, we figure we’ll bring our own anyways. Armed with a case of Heineken, a freshly chilled bottle of Jagermeister, and a clean buzz, we arrive about 10 p.m. It is pretty happening.

As soon as I find Mike to congratulate him, I spot a friend of mine named Erik. This guy’s a total joker. As we drink beers in the kitchen, he keeps letting the ceiling fan slap his hand as it is moving. The fan is on high and is moving pretty fast. He kept on sticking his hand deeper into it until finally he stops it. When he did, it looked like it hurt. It hit him pretty hard. There are about ten of us around him when he did it, including his fiance. We all kind of laughed about it.

Next thing you know, for whatever reason, the guy lets the fan get back up to full speed again. Then he cruises over to the dining room and picks up a chair and sets it underneath the ceiling fan. Now there is about twenty of us watching, laughing and anticipating what he is going to do next. The guy stands up on the chair, and exclaims, “Do you dare me?!” A unanimous ‘Fuck yes!’ comes from all of us. He screams and sticks his head right into the moving fan! The fan hits his forehead, bounces off of him, he ducks down and the fan never stops moving. Everyone just fucking laughs.

Next thing you know, Mike, who owns the house, just heard what had happened. I thought he was going to be really pissed. Instead he asks Erik if it hurt. He says ‘Not really’, (trying to act like a tough guy). Mike actually believes him and tries it out himself. So he climbs up onto the chair, and he completely stops the fuckin’ fan with his head on the first try. It was great! Next thing you know, at least five other guys line up to see if they can stop it with their heads with one try themselves. This is one well-built ceiling fan! It takes the abuse for at least an hour and a half with the same guys doing it repeatedly. For the first hour it was pretty funny, but I move on as the action continues later.

Eventually, I find my way into the garage to hit the keg that Mike bought because two hours had gone by, and we already dusted everything that we brought. Once again I am hanging out with Mike catching up on old times. His buddy, Rat walks up to us and tells Mike, “Check me out I’m ready”. He runs quickly to the wall inside the garage, pulls down his pants, spreads his butt cheeks, and farts on the wall. It was a little contest that the two were having with each other to see who could leave the biggest fart stain on the wall. After he did it, I realize there are several other fart stains from previous attempts. Later that evening, Rat would win the contest by accidently shitting on the wall, leaving a huge stain running all the way down to the garage floor. It was fucking classic.

Next comes Erik, AGAIN. Dude strips down to his underwear and tells everyone that he is going to go for a swim in the freezing water of the unheated pool outside. (I guess the ceiling fan wasn’t enough.) He jumps in, does about ten laps and gets out as we all watch in total disbelief. That water couldn’t have been more than 35 degrees.. It is fuckin’ freezing outside and has been for the last couple of days. As he stands dripping wet, the alcohol finally hits him. He wants to get to his car so he can pass out. We walk with his fiance to try to get him into the car. Next thing you know, he barfs everywhere. We finally get him out of the gutter and into the car. Now it is time for me to pass out. Miraslov, who drove up there, not to mention everyone else with me, are totally fucked up and not at all able to drive. So we decide to crash there. I found what I thought was a safe spot underneath the pool table. I would sleep well for a couple of hours.

The sun starts to come up at about 6 a.m. I got a throbbing headache and I need some food. I hear some people laughing and talking on the backyard patio. I look outside to see Mike, Rat, and another friend of theirs, who I didn’t know, all with their pants at their knees, each with a beer in their hand, and peanut butter on their fuckin’ DICKS that Mike’s dog was licking off of them one at a time. They ask me if I want to join in, and I respectfully decline.

I wake up Miraslov and the rest of our crew so I can get a ride home and get some grub. We all sit for a minute and check these guys out. They are totally wasted. They hadn’t stopped drinking all night. Miraslov just shook his head and said, “Those guys are fucked up.. Lets get out of here.” So we did and I went back to sleep until 3 o’clock that afternoon.