Stoney’s Big Night

Day With Damien- Day 21

“StOnEy’s bIG NiGHt”
April 29, 2004

Written by: Damien LaVey, StOnEy StoneD, Danimal, Zeus, Headbang, Puke-a-hontas, Tom Stud & Aleister Shiva

Damien: Stoney’s big day was coming soon. He’s gonna be getting married and unfortunately for him, I was put in charge of throwing his bachelor party. I was gonna throw him a party for his 21st birthday a few years ago too, but the little bitch skipped town on me with his mommy and daddy because he was afraid of what I might do to him. He was smart, but I am patient.

StOnEy SToneD: The ball and chain is about to get heavier and my legs about to fuckin break.

Tom Stud: I loved the fact that you guys kidnapped him.

StOnEy SToneD: I’m glad you did because I thought it was a crock of bubbling shit.

Damien: Yeah that was cool. Me and Danimal told him that his party was going to be on a Saturday night, when we had the show with Carbon 9 at The Gig. We told him that we were gonna put him on stage and do a bunch of crazy shit to him.

Danimal: I mentioned to him Three Sixes were going to be playing with The Genitorturers and the singer was going to pierce his dode.

Damien: I heard about that. Stoney was calling both me and Danimal and was freaking out. I told him we really weren’t playing with The Genitorturers, but I had no control over who came into the club. If Jen from The Genitorturers just happened to be there, I wouldn’t stop her. Besides, we told him all of this shit so he wouldn’t skip town on me again on the night of his party. I convinced his fiancée to keep his ass at home so we could kidnap him the night before. It worked great, he never saw it coming. Stoney wanted to know what time we would be picking him up on Saturday, when he actually believed his party was going to happen, because he didn’t want to be waking up at “The buttcrack of dawn”. I told him that I would PROMISE that I wouldn’t be at his house anytime before 12 noon on Saturday. I wasn’t lying…I also told him not to panic or worry, “This will be great, trust me.” I also said to him as he was going crazy not knowing what we were gonna do: “Believe me man, this whole thing will be over sooner than you think.” He never did get the hints I was throwing at him, the little fucker. Contrary to what he thought, we would be picking him up on Friday, at 6:30pm.

StOnEy SToneD: Moral of the short story: Don’t ever fuckin trust someone who says “Trust me”, especially Damien…actually don’t trust ANYTHING Damien is in cahoots with.

Danimal: So we (Me, Damien, Cameron and one of Stoney’s friends Marcus) were picked up in a huge limo and we headed to Stoney’s to pick him up next. We showed up and he was pissed off. We were laughing and already drinking. There was nowhere to run to and he was outnumbered. He had to go with us, he didn’t have a choice. Next we were off to Zeus’ place where things were going to begin with a few other friends. At this time, we were keeping the numbers of people down, telling Stoney that all of the bullshit we told him about being onstage with a ton of people for his bachelor party was a lie. We’re just keeping it small with a few friends tonight, to keep things “intimate” but he didn’t buy it.

StOnEy SToneD: If you ask me, Danimal was like a rat fuckin eating cheese the week the party was going down and couldn’t be trusted, just as much as Damien. They were all cons in my book.

Zeus: Not much really happened. They got to my place. I think he was a little stunned over the whole thing and he was telling me about being picked up. He thought things were a little strange as his woman was numbing his senses with more pot than normal. When he heard Danimal’s special knock on the door he knew something was up. He mentioned though that he was a little bummed because there was so few people. “This is it?” he asked, and we told him yes.

Damien: Next, we grabbed Zeus, Hatchette, JJ and jumped back in the limo, along with our driver/friend Ken and his buddy George to head off to The Hustler Club. Cameron came through as he used to be a bouncer there and got all of us in the door for free.

StOnEy SToneD: Cameron, the sneaky poon-lagoon eating freak was in the back powder room slappin asses telling who to give the VIP dances to. It was a good night for me (you butterfucks) at this point.

Zeus: We loaded Stoney up with some ones, a few more beers and bought him some lap dances. Got him a shot of Tequila, he didn’t want to drink it, but did. After about an hour we went back to my place. When we got back in the limo, I made a comment that Stoney could hear that “we had the duct tape.” He looked over with a little panic.

Damien: I remember that. That was when I told him that the newest thing at a bachelor party was getting an enema in front of everyone. We all laughed. Stoney was getting scared.

StOnEy SToneD: Scared was an understatement. I felt like a chicken running through Ethiopia!

Zeus: Scared didn’t hit his face until we got back to my house. We should’ve duct taped him to the telephone pole until the end of the night and just back the animal into him.

Damien: That would have been great. Maybe next time…

StOnEy SToneD: You were being nice when you said an animal. I was only to find out soon that it looked more like a T-Rex from Jurassic Park that was carrying 2 babies in its arms.

Zeus: We had a few more people show up. Miraslov was one of them. Stoney knew something/someone was in the game room. We eventually got him into the game room and blindfolded him after he got a glimpse of the chair with it’s own spotlight on it.

Damien: Next came in our prize. There “she” was in all of her 68 years of 48F cups, 250+ of cellulite-ridden pounds, 3-layers of underwear wearing glory. She was Stoney’s stripper, with a gut bigger than any of ours and saggy tits that hung down to her waistline. Game on. After a few minutes of total laughter, Stoney removed the blindfold. He was horrified.

StOnEy SToneD: The fellows left enough room for me to see underneath the blindfold, and all I saw were some wrinkled-ass, hairy, tree branch looking toes in black fuckin nylons wearing Jesus sandals and reeked of a French whorehouse and I was a 9 year old Swedish boy that she was going to have for dinner. (and she looked fuckin hungry!) This is bad berries for me!

Zeus: (Laughing) I was laughing so hard I don’t remember all of it. I couldn’t see Stoney past the layers of cellulite. As she wrapped her boobs around his head the little guy disappeared. I was taking pictures the rest of the time, trying to get every angle and circling the room. Especially when Hatchett was telling me to go to different sides of the room since she was bending over in pure nastiness.

StOnEy SToneD: I was still sane as a sane man could be in the asylum of Damien until I noticed the discolored tapioca mess that had been festering between her legs. (Take a look at the picture if you don’t believe me. It was a sloppy plate to eat off of).

Headbang: Still wished you would have gotten the male stripper, but the old lady was just as good.

StOnEy SToneD: You know, Headbang, you’re a sick little fuckin puppy and I think the doctor has been under-medicating you lately.

Damien: Well, if we couldn’t find an old, fat woman, the male stripper was gonna be our backup plan, but we scored. She was disgusting and I loved it. That was classic. But basically after the fear wore off of him, it wasn’t much fun for us anymore.

StOnEy SToneD: Those fucks called “friends” left me after 3 dragged out songs all alone with this beast with what I would diagnose personally as a bad case of hemorrhoidal flare up.

Damien: Face it, you loved it man.

Zeus: He was probably thinking, “Is this all you got?”.

StOnEy SToneD: That’s not what I was thinking you candy ass. By the way…. (farts, then wipes)

Damien: In fact I think you started to enjoy yourself as you were getting comfortable with the situation. So it was time to go.

StOnEy SToneD: Let me tell you, she had some PHAT granny panties!

Zeus: As she was leaving she grabbed a beer and some fruit and put them in her purse. Luckily there was nothing else on the counter.

Pukeahontas: Got Cake?

StOnEy SToneD: I was just thankful the hard working senior citizen didn’t try to put me in her purse.

Zeus: She was gone and that was good.

Damien: We had to keep things rolling, so we loaded everybody, now including Miraslov, back into the limo. We headed off to a little German bar that I like to frequent. There’s not a lot of people there and most of them are either really old or really punk rock. They got killer food and killer beer. So we stopped by for a few. As we were drinking, a couple of 70+ year old, fat, German women joined us for a few drinks and smothered Stoney’s head in their massive German boobs. Stoney was loving all the fat Geritol-Love flowing around him. But the fun has not yet begun.

StOnEy SToneD: I think those women wanted some of my fresh Bratwurst!

Damien: Yeah they did. I kept an eye on the time, so far everything was running like clockwork. While all of this was going on, there was actually a real party going on back at my house. Our psychotic bass-player Aleister was collecting the $30 per head donation from everyone who showed and kept things running smoothly. Stoney had no idea this was going on or what was yet to come, so we had to keep moving to keep him off-balance. We loaded the 8 of us once again, into the limo and were off to my place where the real shit was going to hit the fan. We were supposed to be at my house at 11pm sharp.

StOnEy SToneD: I noticed Damien watching the time like I was actually going to an enema appointment soon and he didn’t want me to be late.

Tom Stud: Meanwhile, back at the house, we were waiting for the boys to get back. We had music playing, food being eaten and the alcohol flowing. The guys partying at Damien’s start to get antsy, wanting to know where the bitches and hookers were. Around 11pm, Aleister (Al for short) informed me that Damien called and the limo was on it’s way. When the limo pulled up we all got out to greet Stoney and the boys. As he walked into the house Stoney had a look on his face of absolute bewilderment. Little did he know that debauchery was just about to begin. All Stoney kept whining about was how old his stripper was and how big she was and how wrong it was. He kept going on and on about how her tits were hanging down past her belly. But even after his horrifying experience, he kept on drinking and partying and working the room.

StOnEy SToneD: Come on boys, she looked like she could play turd soccer with her tits!

Damien: You’re in denial, man. Admit it, you loved the flabness.

StOnEy SToneD: I did hear denial was the first stage though…

Aleister: The first moment Stoney laid his eyes on me, I saw nothing but pure terror in his beedy, little eyes as he knew how deadly the combination that Damien and I CAN BE At this moment a rare occasion came across my face-it was a smile.

StOnEy SToneD: The only thing I was thankful for until that moment was Al being nowhere in sight, boy did those hopes come crashing down like Martha Stewart and the stock exchange. But I would have loved to go to jail instead. At least I would have been safe.

Damien: The 2 chicks that were supposed to be here at 11pm to do a double-dildo show for all of us were running late. I had nothing to do with booking these women. But I had seen them at a friends bachelor party a few months ago and they were great. It was one of the few shows that I actually remembered. My favorite part of that bachelor party was when they could fuck each other at the same time with this big ass double dong, with each one switching positions every minute or so and never, either one of them, ever, touching the double dildo while they were bumping uglies. That was cool. I was down for a repeat performance.

StOnEy SToneD: This is where my first blackout started to happen, I kind of recall.

Tom Stud: Yeah! When I found out that we were going to use the same girls from the last bachelor party, I knew it was going to be a great show! And I knew I would be spending a lot of cash! Hey, wasn’t Stoney looking pretty ghostly at about this time?

Damien: Yeah, That was hot. He looked like shit. That’s when I wanted to make him puke so he wouldn’t pass out and could party some more.

Puke-a-hontas: He cornered me before and after that, whining about how he wanted me to take him home. I of course, declined, telling him he should just relax and have fun. Poor thing, all he wanted to do was go home.

Aleister: The whole time he kept saying “I want to go home and I want my mommy.” He was absolutely terrified!

Damien: Fuck that little punk. There was a party going on here for him and damn it, he wasn’t going anywhere or going to be passed out as it was happening. Not as long as I could help it. So I grabbed Aleister and Tom Stud to watch my bedroom door so that nobody would interrupt me trying to make Stoney sick.
As he held himself up against 2 walls, hovering over the toilet, I was telling him to barf…and how much better he’d feel if he did. He didn’t want to. So, I grabbed a shot of cheap tequila from the kitchen and stuck it under Stoney’s nose. I told him to take a deep wiff and just smell it.

StOnEy SToneD: It was more like Damien trying to make me drink it through my nose.

Damien: Well it worked didn’t it?. It worked pretty good, actually. He threw up a few mouthfuls of food and beer…then Stoney went for the gusto. He grabbed the shot glass out of my hand, downed the whole shot and instantly gave the full-on Technicolor yawn all over my toilet and floor. I was cheering and laughing as he yacked. So was Tom and Aleister. It was great. What a mess, it went everywhere. We were laughing so hard, I almost pissed myself. Oh well, he feels better and will now be somewhat coherent. It’s time to rock.
StOnEy SToneD: My second re-birth into the Satanic world of the bachelor party.

Puke-a-hontas: One of the bouncers, a nerdy looking dude with thick glasses and a fag bag finally showed up about 12:30ish with one of the girls and went back into Damiens room.

Tom Stud: Even after the first girl showed up LATE, we still had to wait for the second girl, at which time, the first girl went outside to give directions to the second girl on her cell phone. People were starting to get pissed and were wondering what the hell was going on. The girls were supposed to start at 11pm. A couple of the guys got so pissed off over how long it was taking that they said “screw it” and left.

Damien: Finally, it’s fucking 1am and the second chick just shows up. We hurry into my bedroom where me and a few bros go over the money situation with the two dorks known as bouncers and the 2 cunts known as dancers. Everyone that was still here was pretty stoked and pretty wasted. The bitches were hot and a few of us knew what we were in for. Well, we thought we knew anyway.

Aleister: As the second stripper arrived with her “mini–me” looking bouncer and small man syndrome to match, he very rudely came through the gate, hitting me and not even acknowledging my existence. At this point I suspected something bad was going to happen.

StOnEy SToneD: He kind of looked like an albino Gary Coleman.

Tom Stud: This is about the time that Damien kicked me and Stoney out of the room so that he could take care of business. I followed Stoney out of the room, he continually babbled about how he wanted to go home and go to bed. There was no way I was going to let that happen. So I constantly followed Stoney around the house as he tried every-which-way to escape. I wasn’t having any of that!! Once the girls were finally about to start the show, I forced Stoney into the bachelor chair. Several times I had to restrain him from running away as the main bouncer/nerd was stating the rules for the show and asking people if they needed change.

Damien: These girls did something that I haven’t seen before in bringing their own lights. There were 2 cheesy black lights and a clip-on red light. They insisted that that was all of the light they were going to use. At first I didn’t get it because I was so fucked up, but I couldn’t see shit. Neither could anybody else, so people started complaining to me. I had Miroslov try to turn my dimmer lights on in the living room where the girls were doing their thing. They freaked out and said no. Then he tried turning on the light in another room, and they told us again to turn them off. Once again Miroslov tries turning up the dimmer lights in the front room so that we could see what we paid for.

Puke-a-hontas: Once the lights were up enough for all to see that there really was 2 naked whores in the room, one of them jumps up and starts screaming and going ballistic as she runs to the back to Damien’s room. Needless to say this was a buzz-kill. As the nerdy bouncer goes to Damien’s room Al follows him. Meanwhile in the front room, Damien gets on the phone to another agency about getting replacement strippers. While he’s making his negotiations he kept putting the phone to the creepy bouncer’s ear so that he could hear that we didn’t need him. He thought he had Damien by the balls since we had a house full of horny guys just aching for a show of naked sluts and it was close to 2am. That was where he was wrong, no one gets one up on Damien.

Damien: This type of thing has happened to me before, where we have a party like this that I didn’t get the girls for and I have to call someone else to replace them. I don’t know what some of these people are thinking. What? You think you’re the only bitches around that will fuck each other for cash late at night in front of a bunch of dudes? Answer: FUCK NO AND FUCK YOU.

Tom Stud: I just stood there as shit started to happen and watched Damien take control of the situation. At first Damien was very upfront and stern about what we had paid for and what we expected to actually see. It’s kinda hard to see in the dark and we weren’t seeing anything.

Damien: Exactly. We paid to SEE a show. If I wanted something in the dark, I’ll close my eyes and jack off.

Aleister: During this whole time, I was basically behind Damien, not saying a word. I was keeping an eye on the bouncer fags to make sure there was no problems.

Tom Stud: I decided to sit and watch Damien and Al handle the situation because I knew if I got involved, it could escalate further. We didn’t want any more problems, we wanted a show. One of the bouncers wanted to compromise with Damien about the lighting, but his compromise was hanging a single red light on the fireplace mantle which added no visual aide to the show. At the same time, the dumb blonde stripper bitch kept screaming for someone to turn the lights off that were on in a back room. She wanted no lights other than what they provided, which was nothing. Damien had enough of the bullshit. I remember Damien talking on the phone with the stripper company that provided these girls wondering why he wasn’t allowed to have the lights on in his own house. Damien told them that he would get other girls if these wouldn’t continue with the lights on. While this was happening, the blonde was in Damien’s room freaking out about the whole situation, while the other girl was still on the couch finishing up her lap dance. In a loud, direct tone, Damien was irritated, stared through and says to her: “What’s it gonna be, do you want to stay here and make money, or do you want to fuckin leave? Because if you’re not going to put on a show that we can actually see, get the fuck out of my house”.

Puke-a-hontas: Now – even though the psychotic blonde whore took off screaming down the hall to Damien’s room the other naked chick was sitting on a guy grinding away as if nothing is going on. Not even upset that the lights were up and the fun looks like it is over.

Damien: In retrospect, that was pretty funny. After I said it, the bouncer looked at me like I was on crack. He thought I was kidding and I wasn’t. It was at this time that I told the bouncers to get their skanks out of my house because we had some real women on the way who would do the same job with the lights ON. Being through this before, I called an agency that rocks and as usual, they delivered. Twenty minutes after I called Fantasia – 2 killer women would be arriving and ready to throw down and the action could then continue…little did I know that the action, of a different kind, was already going down as we were waiting for our new pair of women. It is now 2:30 am.

Aleister: As I said I was standing there quietly, not saying a word, when “Sybil” as I so lovingly called her directed her anger towards me, telling me to stop yelling.

Damien: I didn’t understand that at all. You said nothing to her or anyone else at the time. That bitch was flying on something.

Aleister: So, in a very calm voice, I tried to explain to the brainless twat that I have not opened my mouth once, in anger or any other fashion. She didn’t get it. So I thought I would show her how it sounds when I do yell.

Damien: That was great. Al sounded like the voice he uses in when he sings. You were pretty loud, that was phat. That cunt deserved it. It was all I could do not to laugh when that happened.

Aleister: The fear in Stoney’s eyes was nothing compared to the fear now in her eyes. This set the wacko off as she began to hit and kick me, I still did nothing. I let the first one slide. The psycho bitch subsided for a few and my eyes refocused on nerd boy who was at this time reaching very slowly behind him. So as I stepped into his face telling him that whatever he is reaching for – I will kill him with it. That he is too close to me to pull anything. And to put his hands back out where I can see them. He was a good boy and listened well. Now this really set psycho bitch off, and she began to hit and kick me again. This time I will have none of that. Being that I will not hit a woman, I did the next best thing that came to mind. As I moved out of the way of the door for her to leave, I daringly reached my hand between her nasty legs, grabbing the lips of her cum-catcher I snapped my fingers and pinched her lips hard enough to make her scream. She did not lay a hand on me again.

Damien: That was fucking cool. She had it coming.

Puke-a-hontas: As I was chatting with some of the guys – and explaining that NO – I am not going to strip as a replacement, I hear this commotion from the back of the house. I begin to hear this fucking bitch start screaming bloody murder. Sounding as if she is being beaten and raped. Now for one thing – I know my guys and for another this is my house too – so I jumped up and ran to the back room. There I see this psycho bitch screaming and yelling. No one was near her!.

Puke-a-hontas: The creepy bouncer and Damien are exchanging words then Al jumps in. They are being told that we have already called the cops – they wouldn’t leave. That’s when I took it upon myself to in a lady-like fashion escort the screaming psycho slut out of my house. As I rushed her to the back door all the while yelling at her “to get the fuck out of my house you skanky slut.” Of course I may have used other choice words. Once out of the door I hear my roomie Damien yell – “That’s my roommate – she rocks!”

StOnEy SToneD: Puke-a-hot-ass was more like a pitbull of the leash!

Puke-a-hontas: Now – as we were waiting on the new set of strippers. Stoney again tries to make a break for it. He of course made it no further than the screen door. All the while crying that he wanted to go home.

Aleister: The commotion carried over into the street outside Damien’s pad. “Sybil” was crying out for help as if she was being raped, even though no one wanted to lay a hand on the bitch. All we wanted was out money back and her gone. I can only imagine what D’s neighbors thought! (laughter)

StOnEy SToneD: The bitches constant screaming finally got to me and made me want to kick that three-toothed, carnival workers ass in the mouth

Puke-a-hontas: As we go to the sidewalk – that psycho slut is still in the middle of the street screaming and yelling. It was then that I found out she actually was hitting Al. Now – Al is a very dear friend of mine and I love that man to death. Since he wouldn’t hit her back I decided to tear her head off myself. Too bad my man Zeus picked me up and wouldn’t let me get close to her, especially since the cops were on their way. Well, we finally got the psychotic group to leave and once the cops were gone – the party was back on! Too bad some guys decided to leave in all the drama.

StOnEy SToneD: This is where my blackout number two began, I kind of think…

Puke-a-hontas: Now – the arrival of the new whores. First – they were much more personable than the first group. And when it was time for them to perform – they actually put on a SHOW. Not just start off naked and grinding on all except the groom-to-be.

Aleister: At this point, being about 3am and everyone still there that was able to stand were treated to a show by some women that far surpassed the previous whores.

Puke-a-hontas: Okay the lap dances begin. I am laughing with the rest of the guys when out of nowhere Damien comes up and stuffs some cash in my cleavage. So I am lead to the center of the room and in a blink of an eye have ass in my face and my hands grabbing tits as the stripper pulls a handstand in my lap. Wooo Hooooooooooooooooo!

Damien: You wanted it.

Puke-a-hontas: I am sitting on the couch by my man when I am purchased a whip cream shot by his brother-in-law. So again I am dragged to the center of the room and the stripper sits on my lap facing me. She decides that it should be a fair trade with a shot for me and one for her. So with all pairs of unblinking, drunken, horny, glazed eyes on me I lick whip cream off the tart’s tit. After I finish she then pulls my top down and proceeds to lick whip cream off mine.

Damien: That was hot. You’ve got a nice rack.

Puke-a-hontas: Gee thank you.

Damien: No problem.

StOnEy SToneD: I must have been in the Twilight Zone, cuz all I saw was circles, or maybe I was just staring at your boobs and thought I was in the Twilight Zone. From what I hear they were bangin!

Damien: Yeah, they are for sure. Anyways, the girls show ended shortly after that. Last time I looked at the clock it was almost 6am and Stoney just left. All I remembered was we had a gig soon and I needed some sleep, really bad. I crashed and didn’t really wake up until about 30 minutes before our first song started. It felt brutal, but apparently we pulled it off pretty good. The show went great and we sold a ton of gear. So I guess in the end, everything was ok.

Headbang: I thought that D and Al looked a bit pale just before the show but did not really think much of it. The best part was after the show Al and D were sweating way more than normal and looked kind of green around the gills. Come to find out a bit later Al blacked out 3 times while performing. When I heard that I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off. Every time that I saw D or Al after the show I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw them. They both looked like walking corpses! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Good times, good times.

StOnEy SToneD: To end a long story, the next thing I know, it’s 6:30 in the morning. I fall out of a taxicab and am being shoved down the hall by the old lady into the shower being told that I smelled like a whorehouse of a thousand women. My blackout number three was in the shower. I don’t remember going to bed. The hangover lasted two days in a row.

StOnEy SToneD: Everyone I’ve talked to since then just points and giggles at me